Another rebirth from the Belly of the Beast… and Vietnamese Encanto
Alas, my 14-month spiritual residency with my parents is coming to an honorable close. I call it a spiritual residency because while there was not much silence in this time with my mom, dad, and siblings, there was a ton of practice in the sacred simplicity of everyday life (in a pandemic!).
My siblings had put bets on how long I would last and let’s just say, nobody won. Prior to returning to the belly of the beast, I could barely spend more than four to five days with my family. I would often leave my visits and vacations with teenage like irritability, anxiety, anger, or even numbness. But this time, I’m closing this chapter with a profound sense of gratitude and acceptance (and a little bit of teenage angst 😊).
Here’s what’s real now:
I am finally seeing my parents as the whole human beings that they are…from the precious view of the whole human being that I am. And this view allows me to show up as the healing adult version of myself. And I couldn’t be more proud of this.
What I am taking deep stock in:
Over the past 14 months, not once did I abandon myself. Let me say that again. Over the past 14 months, not once did I abandon myself.
I stayed in relationship with my own heart and chose each time, in conflict, to witness myself fully and then eventually return to love and repair without depending on the other to do the same - whether it took a few minutes, hours, or weeks. The discomfort and pain of disharmony no longer scared me into feeling a scarcity of love. I did not leave my own body nor did I give myself away for the sake of false harmony. Even in moments of triggered trauma, I stayed with small me, holding her as she’d always needed. I navigated some of the most painful family conflicts which included witnessing some of my own aggression this year. I practiced humility, patience, and compassion for myself and the other, even if it took time to get there, and I leaned deeply into my sacred practices cultivated these past four years.
There’s so much I will continue to unpack and integrate on my path ahead.
Finding familial agency through my emotional integrity
Healing my mother wound; re-parenting my inner child and the inner child of my mom
Learning how to set boundaries and voice my truths
Discovering and loving the parts of me that my family may never truly welcome and embrace
Differentiating myself from patterns of deep emotional enmeshment and trauma
Forgiving my younger self, my family, and ex-husband
Practicing self-nurturance and tenderness in a painfully critical environment
Trusting myself and my intuition in a fear/scarcity oriented family culture
Finding joy and refuge in the interweaving healing journeys of other family members on the path
All of these things and more weave together into this colorful tapestry I am calling… ‘Vietnamese Encanto’ (if you haven’t seen the movie, it is a must watch!) not because “We Don’t Talk About Bruno” was on repeat in the background… or because things here are tying up perfectly the way Disney movies like to end. But because, very unexpectedly, I realized, the lessons and benefits of this time with my parents extend way beyond me. Indigenous wisdom speaks to this profound idea of living with seven generations in mind - the three generations behind us (parent, grandparent, great grandparent) and the three generations ahead of us (child, grandchild, great grandchild) with ourselves leading at the center. We live in this world interdependently.
Just as the woundings and traumas are all intergenerational - able to be passed along and inherited in our DNA - so are the breaking of cycles, the healing, and the reclamation of our rights to love, joy, and well-being.
I hear the whispers of my ancestors cheering me on… and I feel the attentive eyes and ears of my nephews and nieces watching and learning.
May the fruits of this journey continue to flourish in the sweet and tender direction of healing, love, and peace for all who came before and all who follow.
[More to come on my transition back to the Bay Area!]
